Nick James!

Sunday, October 9


It bothers me when people say "Okay you keep telling yourself that."

If they had told themslves that, you wouldn't have heard it! They told you that! Stop being so fucking inconsiderate!

Nick Jaymes

Wednesday, September 28


I want to be the guy who plays all the little guitar jingles for the commercials on TV. When you watch TV, and you watch Family Guy or Guiding Light or the fucking OC or whatever it is you watch, you always see the commercials. Now, commercials will either have a popular song to go along with them, or some unpictured dude playing the guitar.

It's never an oboe.

It's never a clarinet.

It's DEFINITELY never a bassoon.

It's a guitar. And there are a lot of commercials. I can do simple math and my initial calculations have lead me to one conclusion:


If you know anyone I can talk to about this career goal of mine, please tell me. Thank you very much and Happy Yom Kippur!

Nick Jaymes

Thursday, September 22

Hello America

Life is beautiful. Life is wonderful.

My life is like a thousand blossoming cherry flowers in the month of May.

It is like a sun setting on a lake full of sailboats and dolphins that jump miraculously over the sailboats.

It is like a gorilla family sitting in one of those monster-ass gorilla mountain hideouts eating fresh green grass and also spiders/maggots off of each other.

It is like the day the music died except not because that's horrible.

It is like wearing your favorite pair of pants and them never getting dirty and they also fit perfectly even if you get fatter or thinner.

It is like waking up and thinking you have to pour yourself a bowl of cold cereal and instead it turns out your mom actually baked danishes for breakfast.

It is like taking a cold shower after working outside all day in the harsh hot dry summer and then finding out there is lemonade in the refridgerator, if you want it.

Okay, now I want you to go out and find someone actually like that and punch them in the face several times.

Nick Jaymes

Wednesday, September 7


Recently I went to see fireworks, okay. Fireworks are alright, light explosions, loud noises, etc. It strikes me as something that ostensibly is fun when you're younger, but really is meant to be enjoyed whilst tripping on about 35 micrograms of acid.

Anyway, that wasn't the highlight (lol get it light) of the night. The highlight of the night was what one little kid asked his mother:

"Is your honeymoon where you go to the moon and eat honey?"

He didn't even ask in one of those stereotypical, little kid inquiry voices. This was a straight up question. After I was done laughing, I cried because it was so beautiful to me.

And then I realized something (Warning: This entry now becomes very boring while I ruin it with my opinion and sentiment. If you want to perserve its goodness, stop reading now): that kid was purely entertaining. In the 2 seconds it took him to say that, he fully entertained me for the night. UNREAL MAN LIKE TOTALLY!

Entertainment is such a mixed bag. We get confused about it constantly. By TV, by friends, by priests, et. al. You will quickly change your 'ideas' about what is entertaining to better suit the popular notion of entertainment around you. The Chapelle Show is a perfect example of this. David Chapelle, was, at one time, America's greatest stand-up comic. It was a very short time, but it was a peak that superceded all other comics. However, people couldn't let him just entertain. They had to make him an establishment, they had to make him a gimmick (What? Okay!) He freaked the fuck out, realized what was actually going on, and quit. And it was because the popular thought that he was entertaining, ceased to allow him to entertain. Instead of giving in to what almost every other popular star does, he threw in the towel. What a waste.

Real entertainment comes from where we don't expect it. It doesn't come from recorded in Burbank in front of a live studio audience. It doesn't come from MTV or Comedy Central (most of the time). It comes in that split second, in that one facial expression, in that one word or phrase or intonation that makes something move from funny to sublime. Half of what really entertained you, you won't even be able to remember, because you were so caught up in it. Real entertainment comes from your friends, from weird people you know; from things people do that aren't meant for you. When it is gone, it is gone in an instant, and you can almost never replicate the affect that you experienced.

Nick Jaymes

Monday, August 29

probably the first entry I'm not making up

Today I got a birthday card from my aunt. She lives really far away and we see each other maybe once every 5 years, just so you don't think she's awful.

It goes like this:

"Happy Birthday!
Have a great birthday etc. and have a good school year (only 2 left*!)"

*This last part is the most important.

I am inclined to write back:

"Dear Aunt Carol, thank you so much for the gift.
Hopefully if I don't fail senior year, it'll be only 1!
Love, Your Nephew"

Nick Jaymes

Tuesday, August 23




Monday, August 15

If genocide was an arcade game

After you lost all your lives (lol), you'd see the HISCORE screen pop up:

1. JStalin - 60,000,000
2. AHitler - 12,000,000
3. Pol Pot - 1,000,000


You sick fuck.

Nick James